读Parenting isn't for Cowards

若为人父母是一份工作，那么它可能是天底下最难的工作。你倾心倾力，可最后结果并非如你所愿。工作不喜欢，可以换，养孩子却没有这样的选择自由。人们喜欢说（或者过去有一种非常流行的理论），孩子生来是一张白纸或一块白板，在白板上写什么，教什么，教好教坏，责任在父母。甚至言，“There are no bad children, ... only bad parents.“ （中国也有一句俗语，子不教，父之过）。 因此有许多guilt-ridden的父母，饱受愧疚折磨，为自己没有把孩子培养好、培养成他们心目中所期盼的样子而自责不已。

这本Parenting Isn't for Cowards是这次整理书架时看到的。这本书出版于1987年，作者James C. Dobson是一位博士，心理学家、婚姻家庭孩子问题的咨询专家。他在经过35000问卷调查研究之后写了这样的一本畅销书。书的前半部分主要讲他的问卷调查结果。他把孩童分成两大类，compliant child和 strong-willed/defiant child,也就是我们通常意义上说的，听话的乖孩子和个性较强的犟脾气孩子（容易叛逆），然后用问卷调查的数据来说明乖孩子的好养和犟孩子的难对付，无论是在家、在学校、在职场，乖孩子总比犟脾气的孩子受人喜欢，容易成功。当然，书中也提到，个性强一度不被看好的孩子日后成功的也不少，也就是我们现在常说的，C学生当上CEO，管理A学生这样活生生的例子。

那么孩子的性格是父母培养出来的吗？同样一个家庭为什么会有性格截然不同的孩子？作者在第五章（p62)的开头说了这样一件事。 他去参加一个婚礼，在牧师让这对新人亲吻彼此后，150只五彩缤纷的气球放飞在加州蔚蓝的天空下。几分钟后，有些气球升入高空，有些则开始偏离人们的视线，还有的被挂在树杈上动弹不得，它们有的飞得快，有的飞得慢，有的飞得高，有的飞得低。它们由同一材料制成，里面含有同等量的氦气，在同一天空下，一样享受着阳光和风的抚慰，却为什么有着不同的表现和结果？

推而及人。

由此引出作者的一个观点：人生而不同，一个人的秉性与其说是后天形成的，不如说是娘胎里带来的。现实生活中，我们也看到很多这样的例子，同一父母所生，兄弟姐妹的脾气性格可以天差地别 ，智商情商都可能不在同一水平线上，一个小孩可以乖巧甜到你恨不能整日捧在掌心里（hug him to pieces），另一个则可能让你头痛不已；一个可能是godly man, 而他的兄弟可能是rascal(p.187) 。

再想想，上帝创造亚当夏娃，给了他们一个sinless world, 他们依然stumbled into sin. 人性中天生有叛逆、有自私、有不诚实和贪婪，等等。

借此作者安慰那些心存愧疚的父母，孩子的个性形成很复杂，很大一部分是天生的，内在的，尤其在孩子进入青春期后，父母的影响力远抵不过来自社会和伙伴的力量（peer pressure)。

当然，作者也提倡父母在孩子的成长过程，勒紧手中的缰绳(rein him in)，该discipline时绝不手软。作者也提到loosen and tighten这样的概念，即小事上放手大事上严控。

当我读这样一本38年前出版的书时，我不禁自我对照 ： 我的孩子属于哪一类，书中说到的例子有没有在我或是我的孩子身上发生？我算是成功的母亲还是失败者？我应不应该自责？如果人生能够重来，我应该怎么做？既然人生不能重来，我又能做什么？对待一个已经离家工作、渐行渐远的孩子，我如何放手？可以彻底放手了吗？

显然有些问题是没有答案的。然而在读到全书的最后一两页，在作者摘自《读者文摘》一封来自母亲的信中，我找到两个最大的共鸣点：

1. 信中说，在当时（电话尚不是很普及的八十年代）孩子打电话回家，常常是父母付费（phone home collect), 她（母亲）抓起电话，两只手紧握着，想尽办法去贿赂（bribe)孩子回家。。。

-- 我不也如此吗？给孩子包揽所有回家的飞机票；带孩子回国，自己坐经济舱给孩子买premium seat, 制造话题跟孩子联络感情：这边新开了一家日本超市，下次回家我带你去。。。所有种种其实就是在“贿赂”孩子，希望孩子常回家。

2. 信中提到，。。。父母还要刻意跟孩子保持距离（an effortfully kept distance)。

-- Bingo! 其实哪一个父母不希望孩子跟自己贴心？一个小时候滔滔不绝跟你说个没完的孩子，长大了跟父母的话却越来越少，而父母还要努力去保持一定距离，只为了给孩子足够的空间，一个彻底属于他们的空间，不去过多打扰过多参与他们的生活。可怜天下父母心！

作者是个虔诚的基督徒，这本书并没有提供太多的建议和指导（how-to guide）, 对一些读者提出的现象和问题无法解释给出建议时，常常求助于圣经和神的引领。所以它实际上更像一本庆贺为人父母的书，a celebration of parenthood, 一本积极向上肯定父母辛劳和付出的书，一本告诫世人，人无完人父母也是人，从而建议给天下父母更多理解，更多勇气，让他们不惧怕的书。

无疑，是父母把一个粉嫩的新生儿一点点抚养成人，在他们最无助最容易受伤的阶段保护着他们，是父母二十年如一日无怨无悔甘为孺子牛。生育孩子，为人父母是受神祝福的伟业，有父母，这地球上的人类才能生生不息，才能世世代代薪火相传，而肯定这一点在当今越来越多的年轻人选择不婚不育的情形下有着非同寻常的意义。

从我们父母角度而言，生养孩子虽然辛苦，却是一个有回馈、精神上富有的体验。孩子是我们在这个世上最大的legacy。当我们离开人世化为灰烬时，血脉相承的孩子是我们来过这个世界的活的印迹（living testament)。

愿父母不悔付出，愿青年人勇担为父为母之责。

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

quotes & notes:

Their first born child is conceived in love and born in great joy. The first smile; the first word; the first birthday; the first step. Every milestone is a cause for celebration.

It is a labor of love that knows no limits.

these bodies we've lovingly washed, bandaged, dressed, stuffed good food and vitamins into, kept out of the lake and off of the roads.

We know we are flawed.

He is an embarrassment in public and an irritant at home, an intolerable misfit in the family.

It is an emotional pit into which many parents have tumbled.

his pain may manifest itself in unrestrained rebellion during the adolescent years.

human emotions are flighty and fickle.

Their son's or daughter's greatest weakness will glow in the light of another child's strength. It is an unsettling experience.

They strain to make him become what he is not... what he can never be.

But in public, his tongure becomes wedged to the side of his cheek and no amount of goading by his parents will make him outgoing, flamboyant or confident.

love this unlovable boy

stiff-necked rebellion

wiggle free from their parents' clutches

internalize his anger and look for ways to reroute it.

Haven't you seen two-child family where one youngster was a stick of dynamite who blew up regularly, and the other was an All-star sweetheart?

They should permeate our conversation and the fabric of our lives.

He differs from the rest of the human family only in degree, not in kind.

Parents are people. They have their vulnerabilities and flash points too.

After all, if there is no "fire" there can be no burnout.

A wedge is thereby direven between them that may someday destroy the family.

You'll crowd your day with junk... with unnecessary responsiblities and commitments that provides no lasting benefits. Precious energy resources will be squandered on that which only seems important at the moment.

his depleted physical condition greatly affected his mental apparatus.

a marathon, not running a sprint.

The same kid who used to talk a mile a minute and ask a million questions has now reduced his vocabulary to nine mono-syllabic phrases. They are, "I dunno,"  "May be," "I forget." "Huh?" "No!" "Nope," "Yeah," "Who- me?" and "He did it."

We have fought tooth and nail.

make a big deal over what was essentially a nonissue.

By this I mean we tried to loosen our grip on everything that had no lasting significance, and tighten down on everything that did.

They commit every ounce of their energy and every second of their time to the business of living, holding nothing in reserve for the challeng of the century.

She plods through the years on her way to burnout.

Any unexpected crisis or even a minor irritant can set off a torrent of emotion.

You could get a lemon: meaning you might end up with something that is defective, faulty, or of poor quality especially after purchasing it.

Being a firm believer that the twigs grew in the direction they were bent.

Years of tender loving care didn't square with what was happening to their children.

Success will wait, but a happy family will not. To achieve the former and lose the latter would be an empty victory, at best.

They can't wait for success and they hurry on without it.  Like bateria that gradually become immune to antibiotics, the classic underachievers become imperivous to adult pressure.

It is possible that the low achiever will outperform the academic superstar in the long run. Don't write off that disorganized, apparently lazy kid as a life-long loser. He may surprise you.

There is room in this world for the creative "souls" who long to breath free.

Parents can, and must, train, shape, mold, correct, guide, punish, reward, instruct, warn, teach and live their kids during the formative years.

Life itself is a risk, and parents must let their kids face reasonable jeopardy on their own.

They have become an extension of ourselves, and our egos are inextricably linked to theirs.

tearing loose is extremely difficult to accomplish.

Life is a lark, albeit a boring one.

The same boiling water that softens the carrot also hardens the egg.

They are half in, half out.

I gripped the phone with both hands in those days, wishing I could bribe my children back with everything they'd ever wanted. I struggled with an unbecoming urge to telll them once more about hot breakfast and crossing streets and dry socks on wet days.

with wisful pride and a feeling for the comic, they watch over their progeny from an effortfully kept distance. It is the season of the empty nest.

duck soup:  an easy task, or someone easy to overcome