周日计划改变，我最终还是和Dave一起，天气好得不得了，我们一起去上野公园散步。看到公园的人工湖里有人在划船，我说，我记不得最后一次划船是什么时候了，Dave说，那我们去划船吧。于是，我成年以来的第一次划船，和Dave，在阳光明媚的午后，我一直觉得划船是比较cheesy的约会项目，很意外的感觉很好。我们把船靠在一片树荫下，Dave躺在船的一边，我慢慢爬到他身上，看着他的眼睛，吻他；他看着我的眼睛，说，“Jess, I need to tell you something...”我知道这一刻早晚会来，只是没想到会是在这样的情况下，Dave说他和他前妻谈过了，他们决定尝试重新弥补他们的关系。我听见自己心里轻轻的一声“咔”，好像什么东西裂开一样，但脸上仍然保持住迷人的笑容，对他说，“good luck”，阳光突然变得有些刺眼。我大概可以挂牌占卜了，前一天的预感即时转变成现实，应该庆幸，早报现早托生。
晚上我们分开的时候，我突然哭了出来。I didnt cry when Mario vanishing in my life, I didnt cry when I was in a tough situation that I had to quit the job, I didnt cry when I feel frustrated during job hunting...and now, I was crying. Actually it wasnt all about Dave, I guess I have built up a lot of pressure and depression inside when I going through all those dramas recently, finally the emotional crash came out. Dave was holding me, he said he felt bad, but thats not what I wanted, its not his fault at all. I just felt kinda frustrated and depressed, so couldnt hold the tears back, its not like he broke my heart, not at all. Today when I thinking of the matter again, I feel so embarrassed, and I shouldnt have taken my emotional crash out on Dave, now he would think that I am so emotionally attached to him, no, that is not right, damn.
This few days, I have thought a lot about life, but more I think more I get confused. I dont have any goal in life now, there is nothing that I really enjoy and wanna do, everything is quite much meaningless for me. I dont know how this happened to me, I am trying to figure out how I got to this stage from the beginning, but there is no answer. Why I cant have a job and feel happy like everybody else? Why I cant just commit to a guy, get married, have family and feel happy like everybody else? Whats wrong with me??? I used to be a normal kid, never got into any trouble, enjoyed school life, got good scores in every subject, I was doing very well on the normal routine...Then all of a sudden, I am out! I cant fit in the normal routine any more, and I cant find out a new routine for myself either, I am lost.
Later night I got on MSN, wanted to have some talk with dad, he always knows something I dont know about life. Offline messages popped out, by mom, they gonna take a bicycle trip to another city for a few days, lol, it seems they are having good time, I better not bother them with my shit. Everybody is happy, except me. Gosh, this is really hurtful, when I cant help feeling miserable... But, I dont wanna compromise yet, even though its tough, I know I need to keep going with all hopes, everything will be fine, I will be fine.
5/1 星期二
jgey (2007-04-30 10:14:15) 评论 (8)周日计划改变，我最终还是和Dave一起，天气好得不得了，我们一起去上野公园散步。看到公园的人工湖里有人在划船，我说，我记不得最后一次划船是什么时候了，Dave说，那我们去划船吧。于是，我成年以来的第一次划船，和Dave，在阳光明媚的午后，我一直觉得划船是比较cheesy的约会项目，很意外的感觉很好。我们把船靠在一片树荫下，Dave躺在船的一边，我慢慢爬到他身上，看着他的眼睛，吻他；他看着我的眼睛，说，“Jess, I need to tell you something...”我知道这一刻早晚会来，只是没想到会是在这样的情况下，Dave说他和他前妻谈过了，他们决定尝试重新弥补他们的关系。我听见自己心里轻轻的一声“咔”，好像什么东西裂开一样，但脸上仍然保持住迷人的笑容，对他说，“good luck”，阳光突然变得有些刺眼。我大概可以挂牌占卜了，前一天的预感即时转变成现实，应该庆幸，早报现早托生。
晚上我们分开的时候，我突然哭了出来。I didnt cry when Mario vanishing in my life, I didnt cry when I was in a tough situation that I had to quit the job, I didnt cry when I feel frustrated during job hunting...and now, I was crying. Actually it wasnt all about Dave, I guess I have built up a lot of pressure and depression inside when I going through all those dramas recently, finally the emotional crash came out. Dave was holding me, he said he felt bad, but thats not what I wanted, its not his fault at all. I just felt kinda frustrated and depressed, so couldnt hold the tears back, its not like he broke my heart, not at all. Today when I thinking of the matter again, I feel so embarrassed, and I shouldnt have taken my emotional crash out on Dave, now he would think that I am so emotionally attached to him, no, that is not right, damn.
This few days, I have thought a lot about life, but more I think more I get confused. I dont have any goal in life now, there is nothing that I really enjoy and wanna do, everything is quite much meaningless for me. I dont know how this happened to me, I am trying to figure out how I got to this stage from the beginning, but there is no answer. Why I cant have a job and feel happy like everybody else? Why I cant just commit to a guy, get married, have family and feel happy like everybody else? Whats wrong with me??? I used to be a normal kid, never got into any trouble, enjoyed school life, got good scores in every subject, I was doing very well on the normal routine...Then all of a sudden, I am out! I cant fit in the normal routine any more, and I cant find out a new routine for myself either, I am lost.
Later night I got on MSN, wanted to have some talk with dad, he always knows something I dont know about life. Offline messages popped out, by mom, they gonna take a bicycle trip to another city for a few days, lol, it seems they are having good time, I better not bother them with my shit. Everybody is happy, except me. Gosh, this is really hurtful, when I cant help feeling miserable... But, I dont wanna compromise yet, even though its tough, I know I need to keep going with all hopes, everything will be fine, I will be fine.