井 思念 坠落之水 记忆的青苔 在黑暗中伸展 打捞弯曲的源头 相居不同的海拔 可以享受你的落差 升起折叠的轱辘 地平线粉碎成溪 你竖起潮湿的大拇指 表示向上的方向
井(修改)
律周 (2006-03-07 11:00:25) 评论 (2)井 思念 坠落之水 记忆的青苔 在黑暗中伸展 打捞弯曲的源头 相居不同的海拔 可以享受你的落差 升起折叠的轱辘 地平线粉碎成溪 你竖起潮湿的大拇指 表示向上的方向
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井(修改)
律周 发表评论于
谢谢你的鼓舞.有感你对诗的拿捏细致入微.喜欢你的刻刀.
影云 发表评论于
Like this version much better!
Also glad to see you hammer away the “extra” words in the original poem. In this way, words in the revised version can speak out for themselves instead of being “distorted” manually.
This poem has good metaphors and is very visual and full of contrasts. For example, two very different images in motion: thoughts down/up, sight inside/outside of this well. This internal movement brings layers of feelings for the poem. As we know, when we see things, it’s not a mere sightseeing, but feeling. You “mix” them well in this poem.
It seems that verbs in your poems are always very masculine, which may have something do your experience in the desert. : ) just a thought :)
Also glad to see you hammer away the “extra” words in the original poem. In this way, words in the revised version can speak out for themselves instead of being “distorted” manually.
This poem has good metaphors and is very visual and full of contrasts. For example, two very different images in motion: thoughts down/up, sight inside/outside of this well. This internal movement brings layers of feelings for the poem. As we know, when we see things, it’s not a mere sightseeing, but feeling. You “mix” them well in this poem.
It seems that verbs in your poems are always very masculine, which may have something do your experience in the desert. : ) just a thought :)
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