No, Hilary Swank didn't accidentally put her dress on backwards,
but this painted-on sapphire-blue
Natalie Portman appears to be having trouble letting go of Princess
Amidala as she hits the Oscars in a dress made from recycled Jawa
cloaks. This precipitously plunging tulle goddess gown with
gem-encrusted bands from hot designer Lanvin is a marked
improvement over the "Star Wars" stunner's shapeless Greek nymph
number at the Golden Globes, but it loses points for the drab dirty
dishwater hue and unbecoming -- and slightly see-through -- pleated
skirt. Portman also stumbles with her decision to don that 7th
grade staple, the headband. Sure, this one is jeweled and worth
major bucks, but it's still a headband, and it makes Natalie look
like she should be cramming for her Algebra final, not schmoozing
with the A-list.
Somewhere, Beyoncé's mother is trying to chew through the ropes she
was bound with to prevent her from dressing her daughter in her
typically disastrous designs on Oscar night. The chart-topping
singer may have offended French speakers and lovers of Andrew Lloyd
Webber with her multiple Best Song performances, but she rocks the
red carpet in a black strapless velvet dress that looks like a
modern-day interpretation of John Singer Sargent's portrait of
Madame X. This vintage Atelier Versace provides the perfect
complement to Beyoncé's impossibly teensy waist and glowing skin,
which she sets off with shoulder-sweeping, earlobe-stretching
diamond earrings and a diamond cuff. Our only quibble is the
chanteuse's overly processed coif, which is too red, too stiff, and
too soufflé-like on top.
Hard to believe it was just a year ago that a fabulously shapely
Renée Zellweger was spilling out of the top of her white Carolina
Herrera gown as she collected her Oscar. Now, she appears to be
doing her best impression of a strawberry Twizzler in her standard
strapless Herrera creation with ivory tulle trim, which evokes both
her red-and-white-loving ex-boyfriend Jack White and Mrs. Claus. If
only the painfully petite (and pale) Renée had eaten a few bags of
the sugary treats prior to slipping into what should have been
curve-hugging couture. Also not working for the rapidly
disappearing star is her dull, dark 'do, which she seems to have
stolen off the head of Alfalfa from the "Little Rascals," and
shoulder blades so sharp they could shave parmesan (not that she'd
eat any of it).
Don't be alarmed. Despite appearances to the contrary, no baby
chicks were harmed in the making of Scarlett Johansson's frizzy red
carpet coiffure. The "Lost in Translation" starlet is in dire need
of a cream rinse as she sports feather-like tresses that some have
compared to Courtney Love -- and that ain't no compliment. Sadly,
Scarlett draws attention to her desiccated tufts by donning a 19th
century tiara, an accessory best left to Queen Elizabeth or creepy
child beauty pageant contestants. ScarJo is only slightly more
successful in her binding black asymmetrical Roland Mouret gown
with mermaid hemline, a skirt style so prevalent at this year's
ceremony we half expected Daryl Hannah to show up in her "Splash"
costume.
Oscar host Chris Rock just couldn't resist commenting on the
tremendous talents of presenters Penélope Cruz and Salma Hayek.
Unfortunately, with his attention drawn to their loaded
décolletage, Rock failed to notice that Penélope, in a strapless
iridescent yellow silk taffeta Oscar de la Renta with a
show-stopping butt bow, and Hayek, in a breathtaking (seriously,
how can she breathe?) midnight blue beaded and bow-laden Prada, had
been accosted by the same crazed hair-and-makeup artist. The
delicate features of the beautiful "Bandidas" co-stars are nearly
obscured by smoky eyes rimmed in so much kohl that raccoons might
attempt to mate with them and hair so high Snoop Dogg will likely
try to smoke it.
Kate Winslet may not have gone home with an Oscar, but she
definitely deserves a prize for brightening up the red carpet in
this eye-catching Badgley Mischka design. Not only does the
cheerful cornflower color match the actress' sunny personality but
its low-cut beaded bodice and hip-hugging skirt show off her
fantastically fit figure. And while Kate doesn't need jewels to
sparkle, she adds some extra zing to her look with diamond clips on
the straps, diamond bracelets, and dangling diamond earrings, which
she shows off to great effect with lovely swept-back blond waves
and understated makeup.
There are many occasions when the Femullet makes just the right
statement, like, say, a monster truck rally or a Billy Ray Cyrus
concert. But at the Oscars, AKA the biggest fashion show in the
world, it's just wrong -- so wrong that it makes a sleepover at
Michael Jackson's seem right. Did Laura Linney inadvertently insult
her stylist's mother or run over his puppy? Otherwise, we can't
explain how she ended up beneath this calamitous, product-laden
coif. Too bad it's not her only red carpet misstep. The "Kinsey"
actress looks wan and lifeless in a dingy J. Mendel strapless gown
with a sweetheart neckline (a ubiquitous silhouette at this year's
ceremony) and an asymmetrical tiered and frayed hemline, which was
apparently created by dozens of cats working together to claw their
way through her couture.
If we had Gisele Bundchen's perfect figure, the last thing we'd do
is hide beneath a gown so ginormous you could show the Best Picture
nominees on our butt. Still, with so many "sophisticated" (read:
blah and boring) dresses on this year's red carpet, we must give
the Brazilian supermodel props for taking a chance with this
straight-from-the-runway billowy Bohemian Dior number, which she
wisely pairs with flowing surfer girl blond locks and
just-off-the-beach bronze skin. In contrast to his girlfriend's
free-spirited empire-waist frock, Leonardo DiCaprio is Cary Grant
cool in a crisp black tux and slicked-back hair. It's the most
mature and handsome he's ever looked, although it doesn't hurt that
he has one of the world's most sought-after women on his arm. Our
prediction is that before too long, the previously under-the-radar
pretty pair will assume the golden couple title vacated by the
estranged Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.
Melanie Griffith hobbles onto the red carpet in a tragic blue-green
Versace gown that was last in style the same year she was --
specifically 1988, when she was up for a Best Actress prize for
"Working Girl." There are so many problems plaguing the shiny-faced
star's silk nightmare that we're not sure where to begin. Maybe
with the snaking, Sin City showgirl-style embroidery? Or the
drooping sleeves (and bodice)? Or perhaps the bunching, nude-hued
fabric covering her back, which was seemingly salvaged from
Michelle Kwan's old skating outfits? And is it just our imagination
or does the area above Melanie's butt form a frowny face? It's the
perfect commentary on her catastrophic couture, which is made even
worse by her decision to flash her plaster-encased broken foot and
carry a glam-free cane. Hey, Mel, if Star Jones can bling up a
microphone, you could have at least found a more stylish way to
keep from falling on your face.
Few actresses elicit as strong a reaction on the red carpet as Cate
Blanchett, whose sartorial selections are either beloved or
belittled, with almost no middle ground. At the Oscars, we come
down firmly on the love side of her one-shouldered buttery
Valentino with a burgundy satin sash. Sure, the yellow silk taffeta
is a little close to her wavy blond locks and skin tone. And, okay,
maybe the bejeweled pin on her shoulder is a wee bit overpowering,
but somehow the luminous Cate makes it all work. Maybe it's because
her brand spankin' new gold accessory, which she won for essaying
Katharine Hepburn in "The Aviator" (by the by, she's carrying the
late legend's glove in her purse for luck), just happens to go
perfectly with her frock's bright and shiny shade.
For the last several months, Kirsten Dunst has been captured by
paparazzi wearing unsexy granny gear, including the dreaded
sock-and-sandal combination. We had no idea what to expect from her
at the Academy Awards, but we're happy to report the "Spider-Man"
cutie cleans up nicely in a black lace Chanel column that is
anything but dowdy. Still, is there something slightly amiss with
Kirsten's dress? In an exercise we recommend only for the most
diehard fanboys, try squinting your eyes and cocking your head to
the left. Your Spidey-sense just might start a-tingling as you spy
the outline of her unmentionables. After you're done trying to peep
out Dunst's delicates, check out her fab new 'do, a side-parted
platinum bob that is oh-so-reminiscent of Gwyneth Paltrow during
that long-ago time when she and former fiancé Brad Pitt wore
matching manes
Johnny Depp seems to be pulling a Dorian Gray with his wardrobe --
his handsome visage doesn't age, but his sartorial style is
becoming positively antiquated. In his outmoded blue tux with black
piping and black-and-white wingtips, the Best Actor nominee looks
like he should be introducing Henny Youngman in the Catskills
(thank you -- try the veal!). Don't get us wrong -- we love us some
Depp and can usually get on board his eccentric ensembles. But this
unsightly suit, which he pairs with an unkempt coif, evil genius
facial hair, and Poindexter eyeglasses, goes too far by obscuring
his good looks, a fashion felony that deserves the most severe
punishment (we're thinking small talk with Joan Rivers). Vanessa
Paradis fairs much better in sparkly Chanel with a très chic scarf
and red, red lips. Depp's blonder and Frencher half gets the thumbs
up for finding an individual look that veers more towards couture
than costume.
With Nicole Kidman absent from this year's Oscars, it was left to
Charlize Theron to make a movie star fashion statement on the red
carpet. That statement? "Get the hell out of the way! Massive Dior
gown coming through!" The actress, who successfully returns to
blond in a glam, Grace Kelly-esque 'do, is sporting so much seafoam
satin organza and silk tulle that Christo could have wrapped the
Kodak Theatre -- twice.
The last time Gwyneth Paltrow wore pink to the Oscars, she received
a critical lashing for failing to fill out the bodice of her
Pepto-Bismol-hued Calvin Klein gown. Thanks to little Apple, the
slouchy Oscar winner no longer has to worry about her cups being
half-empty, but that doesn't mean her fitting problems are over. In
her pale-pink-to-the-point-of-nude Stella McCartney number, Gwyn's
assets are painfully squished into a too-tight corset top, which
forces her cleavage skyward & and not in that good
check-out-my-new-Wonderbra kind of way. Despite her busting-out
bustline, Paltrow is still a winner with her cascading waves
chock-a-block with chunky blond highlights and vintage diamond
accessories, including a gorgeous bracelet that earns kudos as our
favorite of the night