【星空月夜花前授诗百首】：《你走后, 我很孤独》（2016.5.4）

                             【星空月夜花前授诗百首系列】：《你走后, 我很孤独》

 

                                                                    文/天朝玉

 

终稿：

            【你走后, 我很孤独】

 

                   文/天朝玉

 

你走后 
一人去超市买菜
买回的只是
孤独与凄凉

俩个人的世界
突然变成一人
像刚出狱的囚徒
面对自由 不知所措

习惯性地去拿
你爱吃的甜食
又慢慢放回货架

不会再争执
周末看什么电影
屋里只有心跳回声
钟表嘀嗒

告诉自己
新的习惯会代替旧的
给自己一些时间
再多些时间

总有一天
会走出孤独隧道
仰头告诉蓝天
我不再孤独 

 

初稿：

      【你走后, 我很孤独】

 

              文/天朝玉

 

你走后
一人去超市买菜
买回的只是
孤独与凄凉

俩个人的世界
突然变成一人
像刚出狱的囚徒
面对自由
不知所措

习惯性地去拿
你爱吃的午餐
喜欢的甜食
又慢慢放回货架

再不会争执
周末看什么电影
屋里只有
心跳的回声
钟表的嘀嗒
 
告诉自己
新的习惯
会代替旧的
给自己时间
再多些时间

总有一天
会走出孤独隧道
脸上洒满阳光
满眼绿草鲜花

仰头告诉蓝天
我不再孤独

 

        2016.5.4

 

诗歌评论修改建议笔记：

B：这是以前写的一首诗，刚改了一下，适用于situations like parting due to death of a family member, breakup, long distance relationship...Not sure about last paragraph 

That lonesome feeling is a common, true feeling so it worths writing about

Try to be a little positive and optimistic at the end 

 

A：【你走后, 我很孤独】

             文/天朝玉

你走后
一人去超市买菜
买回的只是
孤独与凄凉

俩个人的世界
突然变成一人
像刚出狱的囚徒(囚徒的比喻？）
面对自由
不知所措

习惯性地去拿
你爱吃的午餐
喜欢的甜食（午餐或甜食，一样就好）
又慢慢放回货架

再不会争执
周末看什么电影
屋里只有
心跳的回声
钟表的嘀嗒
 
告诉自己
新的习惯
会代替旧的
给自己时间
再多些时间

总有一天
会走出孤独隧道
（脸上洒满阳光
满眼鲜花绿草，可去掉，直接接后面仰头句）

仰头告诉蓝天
我不再孤独

B：谢谢师父！我去改。。[玫瑰][玫瑰][咖啡][咖啡]

B：If you would like, let me me know the names of the mutual funds you currently have, I will take a look. 

A：问题：你的偶像认为如今股市走向如何？近期和中长期？还有那个板块会表现好些？

B：哈哈，谁是我的偶像？

A：WB。或者你认为
估计就是股神也不会把话说死了……

B：He said we were entering unknown territory of long term zero interest rate, nobody knows for sure...could be a year of more volatility and adjustment from previous good years

There is a saying on Wall Street：Sell in May and then go away。近期

A：So don't buy now? Or buy at the end of May ?

B：Maybe put some in consumer staples and health care and back to mainstream in the fall

Summer months people are vacationing，not much going on

A：funny video 

B：哈哈哈
Cute! He knows how to enjoy life What is that?

A：What is mainstream?

B：Like S&P500
太多的说法了，等我考完试，好好分析一下，在告诉你，这两天finals week

A：Don't worry.   

B：What is your risk aversion level? It also depends on that, risk lover, risk aversed people would invest differently. I need to know that before I give investment advice.

What is the best food or vitamins for healing wound after a surgery?

A: 西医不讲这个

B: Wouldn't certain vitamins help healing, like E,C, potassium?

A: Beta-carotene or vitamin A to promote healthy scar tissue. ...Vitamin C helps the body make collagen and is essential to wound healing because it helps the body form new tissue. ...Vitamin E promotes healing. ...Zinc stimulates wound healing.

B: I think you do better putting money in the stock market than keeping them in cash, at least not keeping that much in cash, large cap index funds are relatively safe anyway 

A: But I am not sure that you should take extra
Thanks for the advice

B: Ok, just multivitamin then
Thank you too!

You may Google "XXXXX", if you are interested, a good book for investing 

A: [OK]

B: You are going to add another title in your many talents in a few years: a cool investor [调皮] [呲牙] 不得了

B：

【你走后, 我很孤独】

        文/天朝玉

你走后
一人去超市买菜
买回的只是
孤独与凄凉

俩个人的世界
突然变成一人
像刚出狱的囚徒(看下面详细解释）
面对自由 （这句是否可删？）
不知所措

习惯性地去拿
你爱吃的甜食
又慢慢放回货架

不会再争执
周末看什么电影
屋里只有
心跳的回声
钟表的嘀嗒
 
告诉自己
新的习惯
会代替旧的
给自己时间
再多些时间

总有一天
会走出孤独隧道
仰头告诉蓝天
我不再孤独 （这个“我“是否可以去掉？）

About 那个"囚徒"，你看过电影Shawshank Redemption 吗？Sometimes prisoners have spent so long in a prison, once they let go, although they have freedom now, but the world has changed a lot, they didn't know how to live on their own anymore, like that old guy in the movie, he killed himself after he was out of prison.

Here, it could describe a relationship, maybe breaking away from a bad relationship, which is good, but habit is such a powerful thing, one still feels lonely after the breakup although he or she would never want to go back to that relationship 

I tried to write the poem so that more people could identify with the feelings, not just those who break up but those who lost loved ones or long distance romanced people 

A: One of my favorite movies！其实读时就联想到了那个“ institutionalized"。

B: 对，that is the right word!

 

我也喜欢那个电影，尤其是那段：他把别人关在外面，放beautiful opera songs for the prisoners。。。

A:  yes,  "Marriage of Figaro" 

B: 习惯的囚徒
我很喜欢那段

There is another cool movie called Miller's Crossing, I love the opera music in that movie too. A very good movie.

Here is my favorite movie list. I also like European movies.

A: Good list. I have seen most of them

B: I am a big fan of movies, 中学学过戏剧导演，中戏，去年学术休假，差点报名纽约和洛杉矶的艺术学校学writing movie scripts, 结果改写诗了，smaller projects, easier [愉快] 

One of those days I may still do it, if I have energy left, hahah

A: 加油

B: 谢谢！[愉快] 太不务正业了

这首还需要改哪? 题目好吗？

A: 很好！

B: 好的，那就定了，谢谢

A：[OK]

 

 

文学城诗坛有趣评语跟帖：

 

https://bbs.wenxuecity.com/poetry/695970.html

 

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