我是如何提高自己的交流技巧的

 今天看到这个图片，我好感慨啊。因为这个图片透彻的说明了要如何有效的交流。 

 

 

 记得刚结婚后，还处在早期的磨合期，吵，就是我的交流方法。以前我提过，我先生的交流原则起了决定性的作用，正好利用这张图片，总结3点。 

 

 1. 先说图片里的观点：我记得以前有过很好笑的一刻。当时，我大声说：我很生气。结果，我先生说：很好啊，你告诉了我你的生气状态，那我们现在就讨论我们之间有什么误解。我就愣了，心想，我告诉他我很生气，居然还得到了表扬，哈哈哈。现在想来，我已经比再早期进了一步， 至少我不通过其他形式把火气憋在心里，从其他方面跟他闹毛病，让他猜我的心思，而是直接告诉他：我需要沟通。 

 我先生在这点上做得很好。他确实是给我解释他为啥不高兴了，而不是对我EXPRESS他的气愤。我后来还是以“我很生气”起头，每次都得到鼓励，让我表达出来。慢慢的，脾气就减少了。呵呵。  

2. 我先生的交流原则里，强调一切争议都是某种误解，有很大程度的无辜。所以要当时就说开。早期的我，知道自己的毛病是“生气时信口开河，不择言语”。成熟了以后，为了自我控制，就采用了相对消极的方式 ： 开始生气时，为了不出口伤人，我就转身就走，当时不打算做沟通。这一点被我先生经过艰难的努力，给我矫正了。后来醒悟，几乎所有争议，确实是误解，只要是为了这个家庭好，为了对方好，出发点是善意，没有解不开的疙瘩。（不过，对于长期吵架的家庭，积累了大堆的对对方的负面情绪，就不是误解问题了。有的时候是故意发泄。因为问题积累了太久了，已经失去原本的无辜了。） 

3. 我先生强调crystal clear的表达。这点和第一点比较像，就是要清晰表达不满，（别东扯西扯的，说好多无助于事情解决的废话）。生气时，人很容易夸大其词，比如你一直都是什么什么，你从来都不关心我，你完全错了。。。等等，这种表达客观吗？是因为发泄火气才这样说对方的，还是对方真的就这么坏？所以清晰准确的表达，会避免很多不必要的误会，不去浪费时间让吵架持续3小时。 

 此外，我有一种观点，就是哪怕没钱，都不要没感情。钱可以挣，但是过没有感情不高兴的日子，就是对自己犯罪。为了不对自己犯罪，就要学会自我调节，也要学会领导对方。女人如何能领导男人？比如，婚姻是TEAM WORK，既然是TEAM WORK，WIN-WIN 的战略就很重要。女人，不管大女人多有主见和能干，或小女人的多想躲在男人背后，都别忘了培养丈夫的高大全形象。想想，两个人的力量总比一个人的强吧。维护好了丈夫的自尊心，他能够更好的反馈给家庭，这就是女人的小小领导精神。别“拽”，也对。
 

随便说说，各家各家的模式，我总结的比较适合某一类人吧。这些道理都是对的，但实施起来有困难。我很理解对困难的强调，因为我就是那样走过来的。加油吧，为了快乐的生活。

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应大家的要求，补充一些信息。这个图片在FB上有1万多人喜欢，至今有250多留言。正反方都有。我选一些代表性的留言给大家分享。（正反方都有）。

I wonder how to explain the anger without the heat? -----you have to practice not acting on your feelings. "I feel...." with words not fists.

 

Explaining your anger is expressing it in a way that someone can hear it.

 

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind. Think about what to say then say it. Otherwise, take a deep breath.

 

There are many ways you can explain your anger - sometimes the recipient does not want to hear why you are angry, most of the time PRIDE and ego; they want to WIN the argument. One needs to think FIRST before opening MOUTH. 

 

and remembering that Anger always covers up Fear... so asking ourselves .. 'if I wasn't angry right now... what would I be afraid of ' can get to the 'root' of the feeling ...and the resolution of it '..

 

Uncritical self observation of how SUNK into our negative emotional states we are (anger is only one of legions we embrace...) will allow us to do the inner WORK involved in real inner transformation....Try and watch your REACTIONS to life's events as your gauge of where you live psychologically...Attacking Syria, for example will anger some, whilst others are indifferent, proving we are all living in different states of inner awareness...

 

I think it begins with statements like, "I feel really angry right now becaure you didnt call be back, or I felt angry when you forgot to pick me up.

 

Anger is always fear based

 

Feel your anger. Don't suppress it, don't explode it. Feel the energy of your anger. Own your anger. Don't explain it as this will put your focus outward and make you more likely to project and blame. Use your anger and ask it what its message is to you? Has a boundary been violated? Are you dealing with someone incongruent? etc. Then find your inspired action to bring you back into equilibrium. Anyway, that works for me.

 

When I feel anger, I ask myself if it is because I am actually trying to control a situation. To ride the tide of life with ease and grace in every situation is the best way.

 

When I look deeply/truly into my anger, it is really fear. That is usually very eye-opening. Because there is only fear...and love. Anger is only a form of fear, ( a very personal one!)

 

Expression is important. I don't agree that you should JUST explain. Expressions allows the feeling through. You can't stuff it down and explain it away.

 

expressing to explaining is achieved by witnessing (of anger)

 

Terrible idea. Expressing your anger in a healthy way is much better. Singing, dancing, exercise. Expressing your anger helps it move through you instead of staying stuck in side. Expression through art is also a good idea.

 

Quite wise words and I agree. Only thing is, with the way people are taught to think, by explaining your anger, it is taken as a justification by most ears. And by our cultural standard, justifications don't hold any weight. Find someone who is willing to explore anger with you, and these words are gold 

 

Or express your anger by explaining it. I think the statement "Explain your anger, don't express it" is rather contradictory and stupid really, and implies a disconnection between the anger and the explanation of the anger. One can be angry and not completely lose touch with rationality

 

Brilliant! And a debate always produces more positive results than an argument. Also, agreeing to disagree is so FREEing; it results in both parties being 'heard' and isn't that what most of want...to be truly heard? There are some that insist on being 'right and/or finding agreement'; I prefer not to be in those relationships. Blessings to all